Me+Christian Rock=Complicated

Greetings one and all. The rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated (although, on the Thursday after Easter, it feels like there might be a little truth in them somewhere.) The spectre I like to call "church work" has been working me over like the heavy bag since Christmas...and so free time has been spent doing things significantly less important than blogging. Things like spending time with my wife, actually resting, and watching my parents paint our whole ground floor. You know...priorities and all that.

One of the church-related activities I participated in over the past month was a Newsboys concert a few weeks ago. A member of our church was particularly excited to go and Julie is a big fan...so we all went along with a small contingent from our congregation (as many of you have witnessed, our church is not exactly a mosh pit in the making demographically, but we had a delegation there.) It was your standard concert fare; there were three bands that preceded the main attraction, two truly awe-inspiring walls of speakers set to "Jet Landing In Your Ear Canal" and a good crowd for the three hour concert. I thought that the opening bands had a moderate amount of talent...about what I expected. But Newsboys surprised me with their talent/passion/originality. To some degree, they projected a "Trying to be U2" vibe...but all in all, they were better than I expected...and I got a kick out of hearing them. This, as many of you know, is saying something.

It's not that I'm vehemently against Christian rock. I was raised in a house full of Amy Grant, Sandy Patti, Michael W. Smith, and the like...I could even sing a few bars of my beloved Petra and Stryper if subject to a grand jury. But a few experiences changed my approach to Christian Rock:

1) Attending a Christian college in the late 90s. I heard at lot of Christian music; both live and recorded...both by choice and not. The dorms were a 24-hour-a-day DC Talk/Jars of Clay/Audio Adrenaline concert...and a good percentage of my friends played in bands where they covered Christian music and performed their own compositions. This was both good and bad. Good in that I saw "grassroots" Christian music...people performing as an act of worship...and witnessed truly effective "contemporary" worship for one of the first times in my life. Bad in that I also saw music used as a theological billy club and object of power. College was the time when I felt less Christian when people saw that I owned B.B. King, Neil Young, and the Rolling Stones...and I felt even worse when I sold all of them so I could show everybody how righteous I was. College was where I was told that hymns represented a "dying church." College was where found out that I would rather sing about God than myself. It was a good time of growth...but I guess you could say that it left me a bit skeptical.

2) Working at a Christian bookstore. I was hired to work at a Christian bookstore that had recently been bought out by a national conglomerate. I spent a lot of time in customer service reading the trade magazines and a lot of time watching the national office drive out the loyal employees of the former independent bookstore one by one. In both cases, it seemed like it was all about the money. I read interviews that made a direct correlation between album sales and faithfulness. I was told by our district manager that sales equalled evangelism. I stocked C.S. Lewis two shelves down from a book claiming that Tiger Woods was the anti-Christ. It was also where I met a lot of wonderful people, learned a great deal about the Bible, and even encountered some excellent Christian music. I made my peace with the store by eventually telling people, "It's a lot like Wal-Mart in there...there's some good stuff, you can't just pick anything up off the shelf, though."

But the more I think about it, the more I think that it was my decision to become a pastor that shaped my approach to Christian Rock. I have seen my share of folks in the ministry simply because they crave the "spotlight"...I have fought becoming that person myself as well. I have tried to be disciplined by pointing, as much as I can, to God Almighty...to the giver and not the gifts. I have tried to make genuineness and humility my goals...because I can see how completely sideways and twisted the pastorate can get when it becomes an ego trip. Heck, I've seen what it does in my life without the pastorate...I cringe to think of what it could do a congregation.

And so we reach the catch. Part of me, deep down, thinks that the very nature of rock music makes it awfully hard to be both humble and effective as a Christian rocker. The great bands explode with swagger and self-obsession...we are talking about a group of individuals that spend an awful lot of time singing about themselves and their experiences. They then take those songs...and perform them in large contexts where the focus is, ultimately, on them. Rock is notoriously and pretty much definitively self-indulgent. I would classify myself as a "U2 Christian" for the simple reason that they admit this self-indulgent aspect...they admit that they are in it to be rock stars...but they also hope to help some people along the way. B.B. King never pretended to be anything higher than just someone who sings the blues....there's an honesty there...he's there to sell albums. And, on top of that, selling more blues albums than somebody else can not be misconstrued by anyone as you being more"faithful" to the Blues or any such nonsense. I want you to be genuine. I want you to be honest about why you do what you do. When somebody, anybody, gets up on a stage and starts wailing on a ten minute guitar solo...well...cross around you neck or not, it's hard for me to honestly believe that it's about anything but the musician. The performer. One massive "look at me" moment that leads, at the end of the day, to everybody getting paid...because a mass of people wants to direct their attention to you.

And that sets off the alarm for me. I have heard so much, read so much, and seen so much on making sure that God is the center...the "audience" of worship. I have spent so much time in seminary, in church, in worship talking about giving our gifts freely so that people will be pointed to who God is and not who we are. I have worked, even against myself, to make Session meetings feel less like sales meetings. In my short time here, I have cringed with any reference to the life I have brought to church or the power of my ministry. I am passionate about...I have worked with a feeling of purpose and conviction...making church less and less about me as the pastor and more and more about God. I crave a shared "spotlight." We are called to be the church together...not draw attention to ourselves.

And so I guess you could say that my hesitancy with Christian Rock is that it just seems to personify the worst individualistic, self-promoting veins of the church where bigger and louder and more produced is better. It seems a bit too "look how talented my Jesus is"for me. And, I'll give it to you, I'm a bit cynical about the whole thing. I've seen one too many guitar solos and heard one too many cat calls in worship...and I've seen too many "worship leaders" work as hard as they can to make sure that all eyes are on them. I dug this hole...I'm biased. I'll admit that.

But a strange thing happened at that concert. Yes, I still cringed when the bands desperately plead with the audience to buy their merchandise. Yes, there were still moments when I caught my "nerd pastor" inner monologue questioning the theology of certain songs. But there was also something else as I sat in the audience for my first Christian concert since becoming a pastor. I thought about my call. I thought about getting up in front of a congregation every Sunday to present something creative and personal hoping that those gathered see beyond the craft to God. I thought about my hesitancy whenever my pay is discussed...and the way I bite my lip and justify my pay with quips about God's work still being work. I thought about the increased vocal and compositional theatrics I find myself using during the High Holy days of the church in hopes that I can draw something more in the response column. I think about the daily struggles I fight to stop myself and this church from thinking that I'm the center of attention here.

And so something else happened. I listened to them talk about their mission to raise money for poverty relief and self-sustenance programs. I listened as they read a Psalm and then let it breathe in the silence. I listened as the group belted out songs about the majesty of God's creation. And, yes, there were moments when I thought it might be a little too much...just like there are times on Sunday mornings when I think, "Where did that come from?" And there were moments when I scowled a bit at the theology...mirroring reactions I have seen in the pews. But what I realized is that there was something moving above all of that...something powerful and effective. And I gave thanks for it. I gave thanks that something got through...even to a guy who stacked his deck against the whole thing.

Because in that realization, the hope that I cling to was realized...that even with all the spotlights and speakers and sermons...God can and does come through (even in spite of our mess of pride and motivations) with something genuine and holy.