I just spent 45 minutes cleaning our basement. Many things led to this. Our custodian quit about three weeks ago without giving any notice, the repeated pleas to the congregation for help in cleaning went mostly unheeded (outside of the help of those who already are doing way too much), and tonight is our monthly potluck/fellowship event and we are inviting in a singing group from the local high school and their parents.And so, for reasons I can't completely explain, I found myself scrubbing toilets this morning...leaving my unfinished sermon to be completed piecemeal over the weekend.
Sigh.
I know I'm not supposed to do it. I know all that small church theory that tells me that I should let the church look like garbage tonight and let the church feel the shame of it, and then (in theory) the church will take action. I know all of that and have even tried it on occasion...I recited it to myself again as I sat in the basement and cleaned away.
The "problem" is that I love this church. I want the Sunday School to thrive...I want the place to be clean. I want it to be something more than just a run0down building on the corner. I want people to walk into our basement and not think to themselves, "Boy, they're really letting themselves go." And Julie bends over backwards to teach Sunday School. And I try something new to try and set off that spark...that fire...that gets people excited about being participants (I've found myself back from leaders) in what God is trying to do here. More than anything...I want to take all the "I"s out of the previous paragraph and see God working in and through the people here to something new and profound and life-changing.
I don't clean because I'm a control freak. I clean, mostly, so that those ten-or-so poor souls who do everything don't have to do more. I do it because I feel it needs to be done...all the while hoping for a day when it will get done because somebody else is committed to doing it. But I end up feeling bad about it, because I am that most terrifying of modern terms...an enabler.
These are the days when work at a larger church calls like a siren...misleading and deadly. Days when the "compliments" like, "We'd be nothing without you..." feel even more like defeat. Days when I look back at my application and see the statement: "What I love about church ministry is the variety." This is variety, I'll give it that. I'm a bookkeeper, a copy writer, a motivational speaker, a babysitter, an entertainer, a handyman, a landlord, a referee, a contractor, a troubleshooter, a sales representative, and a janitor....
But, on certain days, really feel nothing like a pastor.
4 comments:
"An enabler"... I really hate that term. Especially when it holds an element of truth. But I think what bears saying here, brother, is that you are continuing to strive and to make Christ first. You haven't been defeated, nor will you be if you keep that perspective.
Marcy
You are a pastor, and a great one, at that. Shepherd serving is never easy, but you have the pluck to even clean the toilets. Your people are fortunate to have you, and this is why God called you.
Cleaning the toilet bowl is a sermon in itself that St. Francis of Assissi would have been proud of. And even Calvin ensured that the sewers of Geneva were cleaned and maintained.
God bless you, and I'm proud to call you a fellow pastor.
I want to encourage you to keep going. Scrubbing the toilets and keeping the building clean is frustrating. But even as I have cleaned so those exhausted ones won't have too - others have seen and spoken about that young pastor who is a "jack of all trades."
I wish as you wrote that I didn't have to do it. I desire as you wrote that people would be on fire and want to come back or serve in some way. I too fight that siren call.
But I know that when there is a death in our small town we are the church that is called for those who are unchurched. Somehow in all my work that I am relunctant but compelled to do I have somehow spoken the Gospel in a way that has been heard.
I am confident that you and Julie have done the same. So I encourage the both of you to keep scrubbing and be thankful that at least with the toilets it is a job you can see you have done well!
Thank you all...it's good to have perspective and validation.
Bad days happen to all of us I guess...I could be writing a blog that ends:
"I sure don't feel like an English Teacher."
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