Well, I hope you're still out there...I realize that it's been a while. No, there was no bear trap involved...nothing more than a tag-team bout of apathy and busyness.But here we are now...on the cusp of December and ready to dive head-first into ShopFest2007 (known, in some circles, as Advent.) I made trips to both the supermarket and Target yesterday, and was greeted (of course) by the number one sign that it's December: The piped-in Holiday Music. At the supermarket it was John Cougar Mellencamp's heart...check that...gag-reflex warming rendition of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause" with a down-homey backbeat "Jack and Diane" feel to it. Somehow I ignored the nausea and (in my opinion) heroically kept shopping. Later, at Target, I was greeted at the door by the infuriatingly ubiquitous, robotic pinging, ode-to-Jesus-if-he-were-riding-in-an-elevator: Mannheim Steamroller's "Deck the Halls." I rolled my eyes as I considered the unstoppable insanity of Chip Davis...and started to make plans to avoid all places of commerce from now until mid-January. That was until electro-madness made way to simple, maginifcent sounds of the "Nutcracker." Suddenly, I felt better.
This, I realized, is the mixed bag of Christmas music. If asked what I thought of Christmas Music in general, I would probably answer (if answering generally and without thinking) that I like it. I'd think of "Silent Night" on Christmas Eve or caroling around the neighborhood to "Joy to the World!" I might even think of a few of the old records Mom and Dad used to throw on the player as we decorated the Christmas tree. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the whole Christmas music thing is a mixed bag for me. So here, as an attempt to clarify things myself, are the goods and bads of Christmas Tunes:
THE BAD
Mannheim Steamroller
As previously mentioned, they need to go away now. As much as I love taking time-honored classics and synthesizing the bejeezus out of them, it's time to call it good. I hope that I never run into a group of half-man, half-musical-instruments-from-Depeche-Mode cyborg Christmas carollers...so, needless to say, I don't particularly enjoy having to hear what they might sound like.
It was good of them to cross Sibera because, God bless 'em, they have evidently filled some horrible niche. They have nobly stepped in to satisfy that group of people who think about Advent and suddenly long for descriptors like "bombastic," "terrifyingly intense," "head-numbingly loud," and "80's hair-band-metal-ish." The first time I heard them I thought Jesus was coming back...then I realized it wasn't Jesus, and was disappointed because I wanted him to deliver me from the music. What is most stupefying to me is that these guys somehow made a version of "What Child Is This?" I'm sorry...but that's a peaceful songs about a peaceful scene. And I can't hear anything by them without picturing in my mind of the "Trans-Siberian" version of the manger scene: Jesus crawling out of the manger, cranking his Fender, slapping on a "Don't Tread On Me" T-Shirt, and rocking the Magi to the point of deafness with a few Quiet Riot covers. Strangely, I just can't find the Peace on Earth-speed-metal parallel. Call me old fashioned.
The Bevy of Pop Christmas Albums
Where does one begin? Christina Aguilera breaking out "Angels We have Heard on High?" Hall and Oates covering "Jingle Bell Rock?" Big Bad Voodoo Daddy anyone? And it gets better. Remember Hanson? How about a Christmas album from them, being the "20th Century Masters" that they are? They have mastered "Little Saint Nick" for you. What's that? You want some Ringo Starr!? 98 Degrees? Or perhaps you prefer to celebrate the birth of our Lord the way they did in the old country...by listening to "White Christmas" as performed by Twisted Sister. I shudder to think of the family that gathers around the tree with the unholy Hall & Oates-Ringo-Twisted Sister 3-disc shuffle going. I can see it now: Daddy trying to grow facial hair and jerry curls while Mommy's trying to pierce the Christams tree with a belly-button ring while screaming "We're Not Gonna Take It!" And poor litle Johnny's not there...he's too busy ruining his brother's completely awesome band with truly pathetic drum solos and sing-songy larks about a colored submersible and underwater horticulture.
The completely terrifying thing is that I spent barely 5 minutes on Amazon and came up with all of these...and there's more, thousands more. I'm half-tempted to look for a Joey Lawrence Christmas album, but I'm pretty sure that if it existed it would turn me into a nihilist.
THE GOOD
Two notes of this immediately relaxes me and makes me think, simultaneously, of decorating the Christmas tree with Julie, my childhood, and Linus' telling of the Christmas story. Wonderful, simple stuff. On top of all the memories, the jazz is pretty good too.
Another one with memories attached that stretch back to childhood...although I must admit that I have yet to figure out the bad-acid-trip that is the "plot" of the Nutcracker. I know that there is some sort of Rat monarchy, Sugar Plum Fairies, and lots and lots of dancing...but that's about it. But no problem...I just listen to the music and pretend that it's about the Huskers finding the perfect football coach.
Sounds terrible, I know...but picking up this cheap-o from Target years ago has paid off. Includes "Cool Yule" by Louis Armstrong, Ella's "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," and Glenn Miller unloading on "Jingle Bells." It's even got Dino singing about love keeping him warm when we all know that's it's the scotch that's keeping him warm. What better way to celebrate Christmas?
THE BAR-NONE BEST
Let's get the hesitations out of the way first. There are only two easily-handled problems. There's one song from the original album that I hesitate on: the sappy "Christmas In My Heart." And then there's the "bonus" track, a rendition of "Baby, It's Cold Outside" tacked on the end. The woman, God bless her, sings the song with a screeching wail that sounds like a cat with severe digestive problems. I usually stop the disc early. Problem solved. Now, all that aside....
There is no doubt in my mind that this is the greatest Christmas CD of all time. I bought it roughly 5 years ago...and it has played, non-stop, every December since. The CD has it all: a slow-groove version of "Little Drummer Boy," the horn-blasting, synchopated versions of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," "Rudolph the Red Nose Raindeer (pronounced Redno'eraindeer)," and the clavinova-tastic "Winter Wonderland." On top of that, you've got the beautiful title song and "Christmas Time" which both talk about the true purpose of Christmas and Advent. Add to all of this the spectacular cover art (pictured above) involving Ray Charles driving a sleigh...and, really, what can you say?
And so, as I write a sermon for Advent, I hope that this season meets you with more signs of the Ray Charles variety (hope, joy, and true meaning) than it does Ringo Starr (mediocrity), Trans-Siberian Orchestra (sound and fury), or 98 Degrees (rapidly-fading commercialism) variety. As for me, I'll probably do what seems best out of all of these options...I'll just sing some carols.
