I'll Be Home For Ditka

Something interesting has happened over the past week. Julie is flying out to California tomorrow to attend a friend's baby shower and will be out in CA until the end of next week. I had planned on a general response when this was "made public." Men probably know what I'm talking about...the "Look who's the bachelor!" and "Can I get you the number for Pizza Hut!?" comments. Instead, I have heard a few comments along the lines of:
"Oh...You're going to be alone for the Super Bowl?"
And these comments are made in the same tone of "You're going to be alone for Christmas?"

The crazy thing is...I didn't find this strange at first. Julie and I already thought of this. We were a little bummed out when we realized that we couldn't watch the Super Bowl together. We even thought about rearranging her schedule to make it happen. But it dawned on me yesterday as I was receiving invitations and/or sympathy because I have to watch a football game by myself how truly strange it is that the Super Bowl has morphed into a quasi-holiday. I have no problem with this...I've enjoyed several Super Bowl parties I have been to/hosted...but I find it interesting that it has become such a capital-E Event.

One of my favorite Super Bowls was when the Rev. Dr. Tim James and I pulled our recliners up close to the TV, ordered enough pizza to kill Elvis, and enjoyed the Rams and Titans playing miserable football for three quarters followed by a great finish. In other words, we did what we usually did when we watched a football game. We made sarcastic comments about the commercials, we talked about the football game, and we ate a whole heckuva lot of pizza. We didn't decorate, we didn't feel the need to blow 200 bucks on a party sub...we just watched the game. I enjoy big, elaborate Super Bowl parties...but I guess what I'm discovering is that I don't find them essential.

I guess I'm just perplexed about why I seem to be the only one. Why do I feel a bit of guilt for wanting to sit around in my pajamas and watch football? Granted, it's the high holy day of football, food, and commercials...

Oh wait...I guess, these days, that does make it another Christmas (or at least Thanksgiving).

Anyway...I'm taking this one off. Coming off of a two day Presbytery meeting in Sidney, Nebraska and the aforementioned "Scout Sunday," I think that I'm going to sit around in my pajamas and just watch a football game. I'm going to call some of my friends. I'm going to root for the Sons of Ditka. And, believe it or not, I'm going to enjoy myself...and watch some football. Guilt-free. Because really, at the end of the day, it's not like it's Christmas....at least not until (hopefully) Peyton Manning starts handing out presents to the Bears defense.

Which Comes First, the Sermon or the Scout?

Next Sunday at the church is Scout Sunday. It's the Sunday when the troops our church sponsors come to join us in worship, function as liturgists, and (I think) tie knots as sacrament. Anyway...I'm a big fan of this. Not only do we honor and celebrate our church's long tradition with scouting, but we also get a chance to have worship with some new folks.

I met with the Cub Scout and Boy Scout leaders last week and had a great time planning Scout Sunday. At the end of the conversation, though, one of the leaders threw in this comment: "A couple of years back, the preacher did an excellent job of keeping the kids' attention...in recent years, the sermon didn't do that as much. We'd really appreciate it if you could make it interesting for the kids."

Dangit.

Well...now that I'm starting to look deeper into next Sunday's texts, I can't help but wonder how they are going to "play to the 6-18 demographic." It's messing with my mind...and bringing me back to that great homiletical question: Do we really preach for the congregation or to the congregation? Or, simply put, do we give them exactly what they want? I remember what my preaching professor once said (paraphrase): "Give them what they need disguised as what they want."

I love that quote...but, frankly, it doesn't help much here. And Moses didn't play PlayStation 3...or, to my knowledge, skateboard. Or text message. Or listen to Justin Timberlake on his I-pod (although I need to check that one). And so I am left trying to decide how much to "stretch" to keep the young ones occupied.

One more thing...I'm trying to decide if it's freeing or depressing that I can only remember the vague details of about 3 sermons I heard in High School...all in the Senior year. (Sorry Terry.)

Anyway...I'll let you know how this goes as the week goes on...advice is always appreciated.

Ranking: The Bond Movies

I am a huge fan of the James Bond movies (insert joke about the pastor liking guns, fornication, and misogyny here). It all started when I was at Sterling and started watching them instead of studying for finals...my appreciation for them grew (as did my collection of them). I just think they're good, fun, mostly mindless entertainment.

I waited with eager anticipation for the newest installment to come out. It did not disappoint. When I have mentioned how much I like it to friends, they immediately ask me where it ranks "All Time." Well, here they are. Why am I doing this? Because you write what you know...and it sounds like fun to me. So, to celebrate my day off...I'm ranking all 21 "official" Bond Movies. (The rip-off Thunderball remake "Never Say Never Again" isn't included...it would be somewhere in the middle.) On to the list:

21. "Diamonds Are Forever."

The Good: I'm pressing here...but the elevator fight is pretty good.

The Bad: Connery with a full-on case of Old Bond Syndrome (I swear they had a stunt double go up stairs for him). Jimmy Dean is in it. Yeah, the sausage guy. The disco music. The fake wheelie in the alley. I'll just stop there.

20. "License to Kill"

The Good: Benicio Del Toro as a crazy villain before he got all famous. Q has a bigger part.

The Bad: The producers tried to get all "mid-80s-violent/edgy with it." Way too dark...almost downright humorless. Oh yeah...and Wayne Newton's in it. Yeah, you heard me.

19. "A View to a Kill"

The Good: Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken. The music's pretty good.

The Bad: Tanya Roberts screaming. Grace Jones being creepy. And the all-time case of Old Bond Syndrome...could be renamed "Look Who's Flirting With Grandpa!"

18. Tomorrow Never Dies

The Good: The remote-control car scene is good...and pre-credit explosion fest is nice.

The Bad: I can't stand the villains in this one. Teri Hatcher? Yeah...sure.

17. You Only Live Twice

The Good: Cool spaceship lair and incredible fight scene where guys use sofas (yes...sofas) to beat each other up.

The Bad: Bad Japaneese jokes and stereotypes. Killer Piranhas=Jets underwater and actor screaming.

16. The Man With the Golden Gun

The Good: Angry, Evil, Conniving Midgets. Christopher Lee. Hearing Knick-Knack say "Scaramanga!"

The Bad: Bogs down big time in lame funhouse sequences...Goodnight (though attractive) is annoying.

15. Thunderball

The Good: The jetpack...and all other action on the ground.

The Bad: Most of the movie is underwater. You can tell they thought underwater filming was pretty cool..."Hey, let's film Bond slowly checking his watch underwater! Perfect!"

14. Octopussy

The Good: The suspenseful ending. Really, how many times do you get to see a man dressed as a clown, fighting off the ringmaster, desperately trying to find a bomb?

The Bad: The beginnings of Old Bond Syndrome...at least his love interest is his age in this one. Still a lot of good 'ol Rog looking tired, though.

13. Dr. No

The Good: The first one of them...good plot and action because they didn't know that they could rely on dry humor, explosions, and gadgets yet.

The Bad: None of the real staples are there. No Q, no Moneypenny, no car.

12. Live and Let Die

The Good: Funeral Procession scene. Jane Seymour. Alligator escape. Jane Seymour. Jane Seymour.

The Bad: Fair to Partly Racist with actions scenes that drag on and on and on...

11. Die Another Day

The Good: I actually like Halle Berry in this movie...although she makes Bond kind look like a wimp sometimes. I like the first half of this movie a lot.

The Bad: The second half. It gets filled up with ice palaces and guys wearing strange electronic suits. All in all, though, it holds together well enough. Madonna's in it...ugh.

10. Moonraker

The Good: Sometimes you're in the mood for a good cartoon. You know...like the one where Roadrunner stops Coyote from killing off the world's population with a rare orchid juice that he's going to shoot into space.

The Bad: The cartoonishness of it gets overboard at times, and is joined by strange music (The Magnificent Seven theme), illogical settings (an English mansion in SoCal), and Jaws going all wussy at the end.

9. The World Is Not Enough

The Good: Grows on me every time I see it. Good plot with lots of twists and a nutso boat chase to kick the whole thing off. Looking at Denise Richards is always fun.

The Bad: Denise Richard talks too. The whole caviar-factory-tree-cutting-saw-thing (did I just write that?) is bizarre.

8. The Living Daylights

The Good: A lot of people hate Timothy Dalton...I thought he did well in this one. Lots of stuff blowing up...one character's name in "Yorgi."

The Bad: Lord Of the Rings-ish in its ability to have 7 endings. 80's synthesizer music and Don-Henley-style drum machine permeate the soundtrack.

7. For Your Eyes Only

The Good: The cliff scene where Bond has to climb up by his shoes. Pistachios play a large part in the movie.

The Bad: The figure skater. There are times, when I am alone in a quiet room, that all I can hear is her screeching.

6. GoldenEye

The Good: The first one I saw in the theater. Great action sequences including Bond, with perfect hair, casing somebody in a tank.

The Bad: The Bond girl, Izabella Scorupco, is man-ish. She has a deeper voice than Pierce Brosnon. Fights better, too.

5. From Russia With Love

The Good: Pedro Almendariz as Karim is fun. Early Bonds had that little something called "plot."

The Bad: Girl fight in the gypsy camp (again, can't believe I just wrote that) with all the boys watching is a bit awkward.

4. Casino Royale

The Good: Yep...this high. I really liked Daniel Craig as the new bond...and I thought that the opening chase scene was one of the best/craziest things I've ever seen.

The Bad: No staples...no Q or Moneypenny. Hardly noticed, though.

3. On Her Majesty's Secret Service

The Good: Two words: Telly Savalas. Kojak rocks the world as the uber-villain. Sans-Connery, they actually went back to having a plot, too.

The Bad: Lazenby's luke-warm at best as Bond...bust does enough not to ruin it. He really really really really needed to lose the kilt, though.

2. The Spy Who Loved Me

The Good: Jaws before he goes all wuss. Big, crazy special effects. The strange Christmas-ornament escape pod.

The Bad: The odd pyramid sequence with new-age music.

1. Goldfinger

The Good: The mother of them all. Oddjob. The Aston Martin. Rumpus rooms that turn into multi-media presentation rooms. "Do you expect me to talk? Noooo Misstah Bond...I expect you to DIE!"

The Bad: Awkward judo scene with Bond forcing himself on Pussy Galore.

And so there it is. And, yes, I do have too much time on my hands. And...yes...I'm going to go find 5 bucks now, go down to Ace Hardware, and buy a life. But hey, (he says postmodernly) at least I enjoyed this.

Running to Stand Still

Well...now there's a weekend for you. I received a call on Thursday morning that one of our members passed away (she lived in assisted living and it was somewhat expected). The family wanted the funeral ASAP...Monday, to be precise. The only surviving daughter was a prime example of "Harried Person." You know what I mean. Harried Person is always slowly running their fingers through their hair, trying to piece together what they should do next...and what they usually do next is spend fifteen minutes trying to convey to you how truly harried they really are. Harried Person simply projects busyness to the point that you feel guilty asking them to do anything. Well...Harried Person really wanted the funeral on Monday. And really, I can't blame her (kids with jobs, etc.)...but what it ended up doing was spiraling most of the family (not to mention the pastor) into a tailspin of planning, stress, and delay. If it tells you anything, I typed up the bulletin Sunday night. And so yesterday, for the majority of the family, wasn't as much a celebration or remembrance as it was a big sigh of relief.

The result? I am now running on fumes. After a Session Retreat that absorbed much of the previous weekend and now this weekend spent working...I am feeling it. Add to that the general "Oh my gosh...I'm really going to be preaching every Sunday for the rest of my life" feelings that happen when I try to write right now...and, well, I'm just dog tired. I'm hoping that this weekend can provide some rest...because next weekend I'm headed to the Nebraska Panhandle for a two-day Presbytery meeting on Friday and Saturday.

I have heard that this happens to pastors, teachers, and the like in their first years. That their passion for the job gives them adrenaline for the first few months...but when they "run out" and things become a bit more"normal," then they adjust. The problem, "they" say, is the adjusting from "Wow! This is new...I'm excited!" to "Wow! God is working...even in these things I do every week! And I'm still excited in a less-energy-consuming-much-more-even-keel-way!".

All I know is that I'm seriously considering replacing the sermon with hymn sing on Sunday.

Just kidding...Julie's going to preach.

Know Thy Market

OK...I'm really busy today...but I couldn't let this one slide. I received the following piece of junk e-mail just now:

Title: MEET THE HOTTEST CHRISTIAN SINGLES!!!!!!!!!

Open e-mail...one picture of girl in a bikini, another of a guy working out with huge abs. No bibles in sight.

The text reads as follows:
"There are hundreds of available Christian singles in your area, and they're dying to meet you! Log on to (link--not wanting more junk) to find a HUGE FREE database of available, attractive, exciting singles who all live in the DUBUQUE IOWA area! And faith is important to them, too! They're all just ONE CLICK AWAY! What are you waiting for?"

Where does one begin?
First, the overuse of exclamation points is inexcusable...yes, I know you're excited about spreading the Gospel of Hook-Up, but settle down a bit here. Seems like borderline desperation.
Second, I love how faith is sort of thrown in at the end...this e-mail obviously caters to people who have decided that their order of mate-trait-priority must be:
A) Attractive
B) Single
C) No, I mean REALLY attractive
D) Exciting
E) Accessible (as in one click away)
F) Have I mentioned the whole looks thing?
G) Oh yeah...and faith would be nice.
Finally, they lied to me. If they found a whole database full of rocking singles in Dubuque, Iowa...I'm Chester A. Arthur.

And so, rather than simply nit-pick, I am going to be productive. I am suggesting the following revisions:

Title: MEET THE MOST RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIAN SINGLES!!!!!!!!!

Open e-mail...one picture of a girl reading C.S. Lewis on a roller coaster, another of a man dunking a basketball while wearing a clerical collar.

"There are several Christians in your area. Some of them are single. None of them have any idea who your are...and they're OK with that. Some of these people happen to be exciting. They all are growing in their understanding of how God, through Christ, is working in their lives to bring light, hope, and love into the world. Oh...yeah...and some of them are attractive. We got some of their names together and, for a rather hefty fee, you can find out what their names are. Take your time, think about it."

I realize that the tagline hearkens to Bill and Ted (Most Righteous!...air guitar), but I think that actually might bring in the coveted "Christian and Big Fan of Keanu Reeves" demographic. Anyway...just trying to help, that's all.

Two Sides...Same Coin

I got a call yesterday from the daughter of one of our long time members who has been in assisted living for about six months now. The daughter told me that her mother had become completely unresponsive and was not eating or drinking anything. It was (still is) only a matter of time now.

The mom received a terminal diagnosis about a year ago...and she has remained an upbeat, engaging, and honest person about who she is and who God is calling her to be. She's also been very honest about her fears. I've visited her quite a few times...lately I've watched her thin down and feel more and more pain with every passing week.

And so, yesterday, I sat in her room with the daughter and told her, "the pain and the suffering she has felt and may be feeling now are temporary," and talked about regeneration and restoration...about becoming who she was made to be all along. It was easy to tell her this...easy to say: "things are going to be better for her when she passes on." Although it seemed trite when I said it...like I had heard it in thousands of movies.

I got a call this morning. Two boys from our local High School were hit by a car while trying to change a tire last night. One has hours to live...the other will, at best, lose a leg...at worst, die as well. I have thought about what I would say to their families if I were their pastor(they are not members)...or even what I say to the people of the community.

I still believe what I said yesterday...about things being better. I believe it with everything I am. Things will be better.

For them.

The catch, I am realizing, is the rest of us.

Bueno!

I am beginning to realize that there is no room at the "water cooler" for me. I really don't watch much Network television at all. No 24, no Survivor, no Lost. When I do watch television (an increasingly rare occurrence), I have recently found myself watching:

1) Athletic events.
2) People preparing food.
3) A-Team and Frasier re-runs.

Strangely enough, though, this does not prevent me from surfing around the channels, looking for what I might be missing. And more often than not, what I stop at...what I am missing...is Univision.

For those of you who don't know, Univision is an entirely Spanish speaking channel targeted to Spanish-speaking Americans. One might think that someone who, in spite of over three years of classes, doesn't really understand much Spanish beyond the word "tocadisco" (record player...yes, sadly, the only Spanish I know is obsolete), would skip over Univision without giving it a second look.

Well, think again.

When I was in grad school, I discovered that this channel has some of the craziest, most enjoyable things on television...even though I have no idea what the people are saying. Granted, I never watch for longer than about five minutes...but every time I watch, I end up laughing or being puzzled. You can't say that about Lifetime...or CNN...or PBS...or, really, any station outside of TBN. Here is a small sampling of things I have seen on Univision:

1) People playing musical chairs...with toilets.
2) A game show involving somebody sticking their arms through a hole and trying to guess what they were feeling on the other side (a donkey, then a bowl of custard).
2b) Said game show is co-hosted by a puppet.
3) A Debbie-Gibson-style pop-song where all of the band members were wearing costumes topped off by enormous 4-foot heads painted to resemble certain animals (think the Milwaukee Brewer sausages). The cat played bass. The pig was on drums.
4) A riveting New Year's Eve party involving extended commentary from an astrologer, a man wearing leather pants, and a man on location in Times Square wearing a large sombrero.

How, truly, can you top that? When was the last time you saw a donkey on Spike, huh? So...God bless you, and gracias, Univision for your blessed randomness. May you live twice as long as "Desperate Housewives."

Brass Tax

In my constant attempts to stop "over-thinking" about my job, I have realized that I am doing a whole lot of "over-thinking about "over-thinking." This is crazy. Seminary encouraged me to do what I can to be a self-assessing pastor who is always stepping back and asking: "Is this really what God wants me to do?"

Well...guess what. I don't think about big things. I don't have things pop in there like, "I wonder what our church's Theology of the Cross is?" Nope. I am hounded by things like, "I wonder if anybody bought paper towels yesterday...we're almost out." I am trying to kick these things out...to think about important things. I've just never felt this responsible for things before (notice the intentional "felt" rather than "been"). So I've been praying that I can set aside a lot of the things I think about...and, I think it's been going well.

Until this weekend. I am starting my first Session retreat this morning...and I have been sweating the details all week. And, of course, where the rubber meets the road is the "Early Wake Up." I hate the Early Wake Up. I sat there this morning and looked at the ceiling, thinking about everything I needed to do.

And so...prayer is appreciated for today, for a tired guy who is trying to make sure everything is covered. Please pray that everything is not covered-that there's room for people to be themselves, and start conversations about what is going on at the church. Pray that God moves...and not only in the ways I have planned, but especially in unplanned ways.

Why Must I Drive 85?

This is a post (copied word-for-word) from another blog I posted on. I am putting on here because I think that it describes a little bit of where I am right now in ministry:

I suddenly realized last night that I have fallen into that old familiar trap of "I'll catch up when......." That it's sort of like Reading Week, except that I have spent my "off time" doing more work instead of going to Cubs games, playing poker, and the like. But then I stopped. I was just as busy last year at seminary with everything going on, and I took Reading Week to spend time with Julie, to rest and vegitate a bit on the 'ol couch, to take time to spend with friends. And then the real question: "Why haven't I done this over the past few weeks?" And that, well, that got me going. And it all started flowing...you know how it works. REST? HOW COULD I REST WHEN I HAVE..... budget meetings and new members classes and session and deacons and lunch meeetings and annual meeting and visitation and...yeah.Never had that problem at Seminary. Greek a week or so on the horizon or...time with friends?

But then I remembered something that I told my Uncle this past Thanksgiving when he asked me if I was getting any real relaxation time (his Father was a minister): "I got plenty of rest at UDTS...It's easy to say, well, a Preaching Paper isn't that big of a deal in the large scheme of things. You can't say that with funeral preparations."And no, you can't. But what I am realizing, here, is that you have to take a step back from that position, too. It's a bigger deal than a Preaching Paper...but it really isn't (in spite of what some may have you think) the biggest thing.

And so I have come to (capital t cpaital p) The Problem: I am constantly overrating myself and my ministry.Now...don't worry. I'm not going down the "I'm worthless" road here...quite the opposite...but what I have been noticing over the past few weeks (especially over "stewardship season") is that fewer and fewer people have done the "drop-in" visit recently. And I have noticed a marked increase in comments such as, "I know your'e busy...and I don't want to burden you with unimportant things." Julie felt guilty asking me to decorate the tree this weekend! What I have realized is that my unitentional perpetual air of self-importance and busyness creates a wall of distance that really only "digs me in further." I am saying, non-verbally, "Leave me alone...I am about the (cue trumpets) WORK OF GOD. Leave your petty lives out of this." And so, really, the problem is that I really think it all rides on me.Which brought me, this morning, to what a professor once said in class: "The furtherance of the Gospel does not depend on me."

I'm now expanding that. The furtherance of the Gospel does not depend on this Sunday...or any Sunday. It does not depend on the 2007 budget or who is nominated to the next class of elders. It does not, in spite of what some people tell me, depend on my reponses to somebody asking me questions and trying to figure out if I'm a "liberal" or "conservative." It does not, in spite of what I feel sometimes, hinge on a single funeral. It does not depend on my ability to be insightful and/or humorous at Bible Studies. It does not depend on my ability to bring in new families. It sure...sure as anything...doesn't ride on a sermon. It does not, in spite of what I have heard, even rely on this Church. I think that I'm slowly living out that what I have known all along. All it does rely on is a manger and a cross. It depends on a self-giving God that breathes heaven's purposes and glory into everyday life. And that divinity, just below the surface, pops out in those things that I so often ignore or minimize. Hugs. Lazy talks over coffee where you talk about the Broncos for fifteen minutes to get the courage up to get to what you really need to talk about. Prayer. Fifteen minutes talking about grandchildren at the care facility. Walks. Silence. Above all else...having and giving time to God and neighbor. And so, bottom line, I need to realize that parish ministry is no more or no less important than seminary. The key is to take the time to find where God is moving and working and not get hung up on "my stuff." I stopped this morning...and thought. What do I treasure and draw upon from my time at seminary? The simple stuff. The unplanned stuff. The things I took the time to hear and experience. Lunches. Friends. Dicussions. Challenges. Relationships. Growth. The times I truly stopped...in and out of the classroom...

And stopped taking myself and my schedule so darn seriously.

Slightly Conflicted Beginnings

Well...hello.

I have always considered blogging to be a bit, well, self-indulgent. Who really wants to hear about me? Well...thanks to:
1) a couple of excellent examples of both serious and humorous blogging (see links to the left)
2) encouragement from family and friends that I should start "documenting" this new experience
3) my desire to keep everyone updated without using mass e-mail
And...let's not forget...most importantly...
4) my love or writing and talking on about nothing much at all
I have decided to start a blog.

And that, really, is that. If you know me, you might enjoy it. Really, if you don't know me, it's something close to a miracle that you happened to type "newpresbyterianpastor" into your computer accidentally.

So...it is what it is. Hope you like it. I'm thinking that I will.