I waited with eager anticipation for the newest installment to come out. It did not disappoint. When I have mentioned how much I like it to friends, they immediately ask me where it ranks "All Time." Well, here they are. Why am I doing this? Because you write what you know...and it sounds like fun to me. So, to celebrate my day off...I'm ranking all 21 "official" Bond Movies. (The rip-off Thunderball remake "Never Say Never Again" isn't included...it would be somewhere in the middle.) On to the list:
21. "Diamonds Are Forever."
The Good: I'm pressing here...but the elevator fight is pretty good.
The Bad: Connery with a full-on case of Old Bond Syndrome (I swear they had a stunt double go up stairs for him). Jimmy Dean is in it. Yeah, the sausage guy. The disco music. The fake wheelie in the alley. I'll just stop there.
20. "License to Kill"
The Good: Benicio Del Toro as a crazy villain before he got all famous. Q has a bigger part.
The Bad: The producers tried to get all "mid-80s-violent/edgy with it." Way too dark...almost downright humorless. Oh yeah...and Wayne Newton's in it. Yeah, you heard me.
19. "A View to a Kill"
The Good: Christopher Walken being Christopher Walken. The music's pretty good.
The Bad: Tanya Roberts screaming. Grace Jones being creepy. And the all-time case of Old Bond Syndrome...could be renamed "Look Who's Flirting With Grandpa!"
18. Tomorrow Never Dies
The Good: The remote-control car scene is good...and pre-credit explosion fest is nice.
The Bad: I can't stand the villains in this one. Teri Hatcher? Yeah...sure.
17. You Only Live Twice
The Good: Cool spaceship lair and incredible fight scene where guys use sofas (yes...sofas) to beat each other up.
The Bad: Bad Japaneese jokes and stereotypes. Killer Piranhas=Jets underwater and actor screaming.
16. The Man With the Golden Gun
The Good: Angry, Evil, Conniving Midgets. Christopher Lee. Hearing Knick-Knack say "Scaramanga!"
The Bad: Bogs down big time in lame funhouse sequences...Goodnight (though attractive) is annoying.
15. Thunderball
The Good: The jetpack...and all other action on the ground.
The Bad: Most of the movie is underwater. You can tell they thought underwater filming was pretty cool..."Hey, let's film Bond slowly checking his watch underwater! Perfect!"
14. Octopussy
The Good: The suspenseful ending. Really, how many times do you get to see a man dressed as a clown, fighting off the ringmaster, desperately trying to find a bomb?
The Bad: The beginnings of Old Bond Syndrome...at least his love interest is his age in this one. Still a lot of good 'ol Rog looking tired, though.
13. Dr. No
The Good: The first one of them...good plot and action because they didn't know that they could rely on dry humor, explosions, and gadgets yet.
The Bad: None of the real staples are there. No Q, no Moneypenny, no car.
12. Live and Let Die
The Good: Funeral Procession scene. Jane Seymour. Alligator escape. Jane Seymour. Jane Seymour.
The Bad: Fair to Partly Racist with actions scenes that drag on and on and on...
11. Die Another Day
The Good: I actually like Halle Berry in this movie...although she makes Bond kind look like a wimp sometimes. I like the first half of this movie a lot.
The Bad: The second half. It gets filled up with ice palaces and guys wearing strange electronic suits. All in all, though, it holds together well enough. Madonna's in it...ugh.
10. Moonraker
The Good: Sometimes you're in the mood for a good cartoon. You know...like the one where Roadrunner stops Coyote from killing off the world's population with a rare orchid juice that he's going to shoot into space.
The Bad: The cartoonishness of it gets overboard at times, and is joined by strange music (The Magnificent Seven theme), illogical settings (an English mansion in SoCal), and Jaws going all wussy at the end.
9. The World Is Not Enough
The Good: Grows on me every time I see it. Good plot with lots of twists and a nutso boat chase to kick the whole thing off. Looking at Denise Richards is always fun.
The Bad: Denise Richard talks too. The whole caviar-factory-tree-cutting-saw-thing (did I just write that?) is bizarre.
8. The Living Daylights
The Good: A lot of people hate Timothy Dalton...I thought he did well in this one. Lots of stuff blowing up...one character's name in "Yorgi."
The Bad: Lord Of the Rings-ish in its ability to have 7 endings. 80's synthesizer music and Don-Henley-style drum machine permeate the soundtrack.
7. For Your Eyes Only
The Good: The cliff scene where Bond has to climb up by his shoes. Pistachios play a large part in the movie.
The Bad: The figure skater. There are times, when I am alone in a quiet room, that all I can hear is her screeching.
6. GoldenEye
The Good: The first one I saw in the theater. Great action sequences including Bond, with perfect hair, casing somebody in a tank.
The Bad: The Bond girl, Izabella Scorupco, is man-ish. She has a deeper voice than Pierce Brosnon. Fights better, too.
5. From Russia With Love
The Good: Pedro Almendariz as Karim is fun. Early Bonds had that little something called "plot."
The Bad: Girl fight in the gypsy camp (again, can't believe I just wrote that) with all the boys watching is a bit awkward.
4. Casino Royale
The Good: Yep...this high. I really liked Daniel Craig as the new bond...and I thought that the opening chase scene was one of the best/craziest things I've ever seen.
The Bad: No staples...no Q or Moneypenny. Hardly noticed, though.
3. On Her Majesty's Secret Service
The Good: Two words: Telly Savalas. Kojak rocks the world as the uber-villain. Sans-Connery, they actually went back to having a plot, too.
The Bad: Lazenby's luke-warm at best as Bond...bust does enough not to ruin it. He really really really really needed to lose the kilt, though.
2. The Spy Who Loved Me
The Good: Jaws before he goes all wuss. Big, crazy special effects. The strange Christmas-ornament escape pod.
The Bad: The odd pyramid sequence with new-age music.
1. Goldfinger
The Good: The mother of them all. Oddjob. The Aston Martin. Rumpus rooms that turn into multi-media presentation rooms. "Do you expect me to talk? Noooo Misstah Bond...I expect you to DIE!"
The Bad: Awkward judo scene with Bond forcing himself on Pussy Galore.
And so there it is. And, yes, I do have too much time on my hands. And...yes...I'm going to go find 5 bucks now, go down to Ace Hardware, and buy a life. But hey, (he says postmodernly) at least I enjoyed this.
176 comments:
Your line 'could be renamed "Look Who's Flirting With Grandpa!"'... oh good heavens, that had me cracking up!! You know, I'm not even sure I've seen every Bond movie ever made. I realize admitting that almost is enough to make you disown me, but it's true. But now I know that if I decide to run through ALL of them, I should start at #21 here, and work my way up. :)
And by the way, I just realized that perhaps I should have been "Big Sis #2" but I refuse to change it at this point. Deal with it.
Marcy
"I'm not even sure I've seen every Bond movie ever made"
I knew there was something wrong with you. :)
I think if this were a top ten list of greatest movies of all time, The Fan should more definitely be on it, don't you think?
OH MY HEAD!
"The Fan!!" I had totally forgottem about that movie. Holy smokes, that was one terrible movie. It was so bad, I don't remember much outside of thinking, "This is a truly terrible movie" the whole way through. Add to that the movie-going experience that is the Hilltop Theaters....and, well, that's a night of true movie magic.
Wow...good call, Steph.
I must admit I was quite surprised to see "The Living Daylights" so high on your list. While it was our age group's introduction to Bond on the big screen (and probably to this day remains Matt Morey's favorite movie of all time...it was to him what Three Amigos and Ghostbusters was/is to you and Mark), in the range of Bond as an entity, I would rank it lower and Dr. No and Live and Let Die a bit higher.
On a personal note, I actually felt sick to my stomach at having to listen to Denise Richards play a nuclear physicist. Oy, vey!
Bad Chinese jokes? You Only Live Twice takes place in Japan, not China.
Awesome review. Most Bond rankings don't agree with mine. Except for a few that you have out of place "Die Another Die" (absolutely awful), your rankings are pretty close to mine. I would have swapped Goldfinger and The Spy who Loved Me. Casino Royale would be third. And I'd drop Live and Let Die quite a few notches while bringing A View to a Kill higher.
I'm a huge Roger Moore fan so I'm quite partial to his Bond films.
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Hello. Great job. I did not expect this on a Wednesday. This is a great story. Thanks!
It's hard to argue with your top5. But my biggest debate with your list would be Licence to kill. I know that a lot of people (Roger
moore fans) think that a true Bond film should be humorous. But Ian Fleming never wrote any of his novels to depict Bond in that way. I think that considering that it was the first Bond film, not based on one of his novels, that it was very much closer related to Flemings vision than definately Octopussy and A View to A Kill.
My favorites:
Goldfinger
Casino Royale
Licence to kill
Goldeneye
From Russia with love
I quite enjoyed this and rather agreed w just about every sentiment. Thanx.
I do think you ranked "View to a Kill" a bit high tho.
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He had the girl turn in place, bend well forward at the hips to steady herself with hands braced on her thighs, so that she was forced to stick back her well made bottom towards the face of the hungry Mr Moto. Idont even need a hostage to make her give it up.
Regarding "Dr No," you say that "none of the real staples are there." Huh? What about the quintessential Bond girl? In this case, Ursula Andress? I want to ask a second question, but will be nice.
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