Know Thy Market

OK...I'm really busy today...but I couldn't let this one slide. I received the following piece of junk e-mail just now:

Title: MEET THE HOTTEST CHRISTIAN SINGLES!!!!!!!!!

Open e-mail...one picture of girl in a bikini, another of a guy working out with huge abs. No bibles in sight.

The text reads as follows:
"There are hundreds of available Christian singles in your area, and they're dying to meet you! Log on to (link--not wanting more junk) to find a HUGE FREE database of available, attractive, exciting singles who all live in the DUBUQUE IOWA area! And faith is important to them, too! They're all just ONE CLICK AWAY! What are you waiting for?"

Where does one begin?
First, the overuse of exclamation points is inexcusable...yes, I know you're excited about spreading the Gospel of Hook-Up, but settle down a bit here. Seems like borderline desperation.
Second, I love how faith is sort of thrown in at the end...this e-mail obviously caters to people who have decided that their order of mate-trait-priority must be:
A) Attractive
B) Single
C) No, I mean REALLY attractive
D) Exciting
E) Accessible (as in one click away)
F) Have I mentioned the whole looks thing?
G) Oh yeah...and faith would be nice.
Finally, they lied to me. If they found a whole database full of rocking singles in Dubuque, Iowa...I'm Chester A. Arthur.

And so, rather than simply nit-pick, I am going to be productive. I am suggesting the following revisions:

Title: MEET THE MOST RIGHTEOUS CHRISTIAN SINGLES!!!!!!!!!

Open e-mail...one picture of a girl reading C.S. Lewis on a roller coaster, another of a man dunking a basketball while wearing a clerical collar.

"There are several Christians in your area. Some of them are single. None of them have any idea who your are...and they're OK with that. Some of these people happen to be exciting. They all are growing in their understanding of how God, through Christ, is working in their lives to bring light, hope, and love into the world. Oh...yeah...and some of them are attractive. We got some of their names together and, for a rather hefty fee, you can find out what their names are. Take your time, think about it."

I realize that the tagline hearkens to Bill and Ted (Most Righteous!...air guitar), but I think that actually might bring in the coveted "Christian and Big Fan of Keanu Reeves" demographic. Anyway...just trying to help, that's all.