Ranking: Today's Top Ten Junk E-Mails

Junk mail continues to amaze me. There is, evidently, a great deal of money to be made on people like me (Not to mention the church...the amount of junk mail we get for the church reaches paralyzing levels over any given weekend). And there are, evidently, people who actually buy products and/or services based on web solicitation. This stupefies me. Who reads the "ONE TIME OFFER--FREE CHEESEBURGERS FOR YOUR LIFETIME!!!" e-mail and thinks, "Hey, this is for real! I'm going to check this out. In our society people hand things out for free all the time...I'm sure there are absolutely no strings attached here. Mmmm...I can taste those cheeseburgers now."

Anyway...to salute these fine, probably enjoyably naive folk, I give you today's greatest hits (listed by sender and tag line).


10) "Trade-in your car for a NEW ONE" from "What's Your Car Worth"
This e-mail was completely blank. What's up with that? Where's my new car!!? No indication of how one might get a hold of Duane or Carla What's Your Car Worth or their children, Bobby ("Scooter") What's You Car Worth, Jenny What's Your Car Worth, or little Duane What's Your Car Worth, III. Plus, don't get me started on capitalizing for emphasis...I HATE that.

9) "Cynical Democrats" from Mike Duncan, RNC Chairman
First of all, this includes my favorite junk mail glitch. For some reason, most of the junk mail I get on my hotmail account is addressed to "Sandra." And so, Mr. Duncan's very personal e-mail to me, a "concerned, patriotic citizen," hasn't even pieced together that I am a male. Well...you gotta figure if they haven't figured out that I'm a registered Independent either, well, then they need to get a new junk mail list from hotmail. This also illustrates the benefit of being an Independent...I get snide, snippy, self-righteous e-mails from both parties. The gist of this one is that if I should vote Democrat and/or support my Democratic representatives, then I am a anti-American, terrorist-loving, troop-hating, child-eating, Osama-kissing, Christ-betraying, government-destroying "Liberal who's trying to slow-bleed our troops." Now I'm confused. Another e-mail I got yesterday said that the Republicans hate our troops, America, apple pie, my dog, the elderly, and Almighty God. I'm confused.

Wait...did that sound cynical? Crud. Maybe I do hate America.

8)"Put-An-End-To-Those-Collection-Calls" from Loweryourdebt
Can the people who keep calling me to collect then tell me how to get you to stop e-mailing me? Seems fair to me.

7) "12 Cases of Pepsi or Diet" from Free-Soda
Now this is one I might click on...if it weren't for that darn hanging "Diet." Diet what? Pepsi, I'm assuming...but it could be anything. Diet Squirt (yikes!), Diet Fresca (yow!), my father's drink of choice--Diet Rite Zero (also known as seltzer water with brown food color). Or, worse yet, even though Mr. Fernando Free-Soda's name would indicate the genre of the giveaway, it could be Diet anything...Diet Miracle Whip (not a miracle...a curse), Diet Velveeta (removing the one thing it brings to the table...fat), or possibly even Diet Peanut Butter (an abomination unto the Lord). Yeah, seems like a Pandora's Box to me. Thanks but no thanks.

6) "Own a Home at Deep Discount" from Foreclosure Listings
Yeah, sorry. Got a home already (see: Put-an-end-to-those-collection-calls), plus don't know that you'd want to throw the words "foreclosure" and "deep discount" together if you're trying to hook me. As much as I love the idea of, at best, kicking somebody out on the street and, at worst, owning my very own meth house...I think I'll pass.

5) "Inc. 500 Company Seeks Managers" from Work at Home
This one isn't too big a stretch: "We here at IBM really need some managers...I've got it! Mass e-mail!" I didn't read this one, but if there was any truth to it, it probably went something like this: "Yes, an Inc. 500 company is seeking managers...but that has nothing to do with our jobs!!! Got you!!! If you're this gullible, you're going to have a hard time finding a job...we're here to help!"

4) "Roundtrip Airline Tickets On Us" from Airline Association
I thought that this might initially be penance for past sins (here and an earlier Christmas nightmare), but no such luck. I'm a little hesitant of this "AA," although my recent travels have had me looking for a 12 step program for recovery.

3) "FREE ebay home business kit" from Success on Ebay
Wait, if I can be a manager for a Inc. 500 company at home...why in the world do I need this? Oh yeah...I'm going to need the extra cash to help defend myself in all the lawsuits and broken windows I'm sure to suffer for being a communist, Uncle Sam hating, Nazi-hugging cynic.

2) "Gifts for your Best Friend" from PETCO offer
You know...as much as Julie likes to chew on things, I don't think that the whole rubber newspaper is going to go over well for a birthday gift. And, as for my other friends...I guess I could see a couple of them needing a grooming brush...although there might be a few takers on the teeth-cleaning bones.

1) "All Expense Paid Trip to See Dr. Phil in Holywood" from Talkshow Trip
I'm genuinely shocked. There are expenses involved in seeing Dr. Phil? People actually pay to attend a taping of this show? And, for that matter, why do they want me? Are they doing a show on Cuba-loving, dog-kicking, mother-disgracing, capitalism-destroying louts like me? And, if so...I'm covered. My manager job with Microsoft (not to mention the Ebay on the side) means that I can handle the cost. And, on top of that, the free tickets (not to mention all the Pepsi I can drink) are in the mail. So don't worry, Phil...you can count on good 'ol Sandra to be out there soon. As soon as I get off the phone with those debt collectors.