October 22, 2008

8 Suggestions For President

As a public service to undecided voters and an outlet for my ongoing frustration with the nature of politics, elections, and the like...I give you, for your consideration, the case for 8 individuals for the office of President of the United States.

8. Bob from Sesame Street
Forget the staggeringly tired metaphor of Wall Street and Main Street...give me Sesame Street. How is it humanly possible to get more American than that? Bob will trump any possible opponent on education and offer a compassionate, conciliatory tone to any negotiation. With a simple song about compromise, he'll bring Republicans and Democrats having a spat over taxes together faster than Oscar the Grouch and Slimey having a spat about where to put the record player in the garbage can. He has shown that he can deal with everyone from the chronically anxious (Telly) to the staggeringly annoying (Elmo) to the elderly (Mr. Hooper.) And hey...give him a question, any question, on education and he'll mop the floor with you.
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--First off, (small catch here) he's a Canadian. Look it up. Second, everybody knows that somebody who talks about manners, respect, and the importance of communication would never "take the gloves off" to the like of the party. Plus, chances are you're looking at a giant talking bird for a running mate.
Sample line from attack ad--Minor key version of "One of these things is not like the other" plays in the background. Ad shows him talking to Snuffalupagus. "Bob's out of touch with reality...he talks to hallucinations. He trumpets the benefits of 'being nice'? Can we risk this type of leadership? In a time of national instability...can we really afford...to be nice?"

7. Lando Calrissian
As the Baron Administrator of Cloud City, he has executive experience. He weighed the needs of the many over the needs of the few by making a short-sighted deal with the empire. Seeing that he created a situation with his faulty decision making, he did what he needed to do to correct the situation. He's a decorated war hero, leading a suicide mission into the second Death Star with some eight-cheeked freak for a co-pilot. He wears a cape...case closed.
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--The whole history of smuggling and gambling thing might be a detriment. Not to mention the whole "making a deal with Darth Vader" thing. Also shows a Clintonesque eye for the obviously attached Princess Leia at first...very troubling.
Sample line from attack ad--Pan out to show craps table. "He's gambled with his life. He's gambled with his decisions. He's gambled by palling around with Darth Vader." A baby is placed on the "No Pass" line. "Will he gamble with your childrens' future?"

6. The San Diego Chicken
Who can't get behind funny? The Chicken has been throwing pies at people since the mid-70s. Can you imagine the debate ratings? The anti-umpire and pro-"Louie Louie" planks of his platform would be untouchable. And foreign relations? Who's gonna hate the San Diego Chicken? Really, how can you denounce the San Diego Chicken?
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--The whole "doesn't talk" think might be a hurdle. Although if there's one thing elections have taught me it's that the power of speech is grossly overrated. Would help rally the Southern California vote, but every other baseball market would hesitate. Likely running mate "The Phillie Phanatic" would be a tough sell.
Sample line from attack ad--"Is this economy really a laughing matter? What will it tell the terrorists if we elect..." dramatic close-up, change to black and white "...a chicken? And why is he strangely silent on the issues that matter to you?"

5. Iron Chef Masaharu Morimoto
He completely dominates everyone who comes in to Kitchen Stadium. In fusing American and Japanese cuisine, he has shown creativity, skill, and ingenuity in routinely making desert out of kobe beef, cow liver, and live eels. Successful entrepreneur who has started a handful of restaurants in America and made the transition into American culture. Young and brash (you might say "a maverick") on the original series, has now adapted a warm, self-effacing persona.
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--Born in Japan. Speaks stilted, awkward English. Animal lobbies would be squeamish about his record of slaughtering fish and lobsters live on television. Possibility of wars started over cutting boards and filleting techniques. Running mate Bobby Flay would push through thousands upon thousands of dollars in pablano pepper and quail egg subsidies.
Sample line from attack ad--
Picture of Morimoto in traditional Japanese dress. "Do we really want Japan calling the shots in the White House?" Rapid cut to a menu at his restaurant. "In this financial crisis, Joe the Plumber can't even afford an appetizer at his restaurant. He's rich. He's risky. He's not from around here."

4. Jefferson Davis "Boss" Hogg
Executive experience as the Commissioner of Hazzard County. Big on law enforcement; spends thousands upon thousands of dollars a year on elaborate speed traps and police cruisers. Also a tireless advocate of infrastructure improvements, as evidenced by the ever-present road construction within the county. Has also successfully turned rural Hazzard County into an entertainment mecca, featuring national road race finals, beauty pageants, and everyone from Waylon Jennings to Willie Nelson performing at his local eatery, "The Boar's Nest."
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--Heavily (literally) pro-tobacco and moonshine. Continually surrounds himself with incompetent advisers. Easily distracted by chitlin' pizza. Has tried to drive Jesse the Farmer and his family off their land for decades. He (Sorrell Booke) is also dead...but I guess that didn't stop the Democrats in 2004 and the Republicans in 1996.
Sample line from attack ad--Picture of money flying out a window..."Dixie" plays softly in the background. "He's spent thousands and thousands of dollars and ten years chasing two hicks in a Dodge Charger without any luck...how is he going to get Osama Bin Laden?" Transition to Israel's national flag. "Nice try, Hogg...but America needs something a little more kosher."

3. Bob Barker
For 35 years, this man gave away cash and prizes to thousands upon thousands of Americans. Showed deeper social conscience as well, advocating for pet population control and other charities. Showed a calming touch with all sorts of lunatics and a compassionate side when the wheel showed more than a dollar total. Internationally popular and astoundingly durable.
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--Bob likes him the ladies. On top of several well-publicized lawsuits with various "Barker's Beauties," Bob often insisted that contestants reach into his trousers to retrieve C-notes for getting the exact bids after coming on stage. Running mate Bob Eubanks also problematic for his enigmatic and controversial "Whoopie Education Program."
Sample line from attack ad--"Bob Barker's going to take your hard-earned money and give it away like some European Socialist." Cut to Bob signing off in black and white. "In these difficult times, can we take the risk that Bob Barker will have our economy spayed and neutered? The Price is Wrong, Bob."

2. Rip Taylor
The moustache alone could rule the world. While one might not initially think that an prop comic would be a natural choice for President, I must once again bring up the pure debate potential: "Helllo! Senator Obama!!! Can you hear me? Is this thing on!?!?! What's up with your tax plan!?!?! Holy mackerel!" (Produces rubber fish.) Ratings through the roof, I tell you. Potential running mate Slappy White would offer the opportunity for spectacular "Rip Slappy '08" campaign signs. Add to that the power of confetti...and I smell a winner.
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--His real name is "Charles Elmer Taylor," not nearly as fun. Trademark bit of ripping off his toupee for comedic effect could anger senior voters, not to mention everyone else. Alternate running mate Don Rickles could start WWW3 by referring to some Head of State as a "Hockey Puck."
Sample line from attack ad--
Picture of Rip with a large question mark, "Who is the real Rip Taylor? Why does he feel the need to hide his real name? His real hairline? Tough times demand honest solutions. All Charles Elmer Taylor offers is confetti."

1. Jesus Christ
Savior of humankind, Prince of Peace, God incarnate sent down to redeem us all through the self-giving act of his life, death, and resurrection. Miracle worker.
Why he'll never be nominated by a major party--Living proof that the death penalty doesn't work as a deterrent. Undermines free-market capitalism and consumer confidence by repeatedly denouncing the need for money and spending. Adamantly pro-life in every sense of the word. Will never put country first. Waaaay too evangelical. Stubbornly refuses negative campaigning and chooses to turn the other cheek in debates. Against big government. Keeps giving away campaign contributions. Soft on crime, lacks the "spine" to go to war. Hangs around with undesirable people. Running mate and "attack dog" John the Baptist is a complete P.R. nightmare. Never panders to the base. Always works for his constituency. Never makes empty promises. Deliberately, compassionately, intentionally reaches across every aisle. Loves, challenges, and inspires without using fear, finger-pointing, or elitism. Way too risky.

And with that, I'm done.

2 comments:

Landon Whitsitt said...

Hooray!

Jerilyn Whitsitt said...

Was this last week's sermon?

I ditto my hubby - "Hooray!"