Ranking Things: Cars, Good and Evil

As mentioned in the previous post, Julie and I made a never-before-done-as-a-couple major purchase a couple of weeks ago: we purchased a car...rather, a vehicle. I hesitate to call it a "car" because it is a (gulp) SUV. Granted, it is a Honda CRV (a parishioner called it a Half-UV the other day)...but it is still (as the Rev. Dr. reminded me) something that I gave him an exceedingly hard time about buying nary a year ago. I, of course, blasted him with the "Soccer Mom" and "Kiss Your Manhood Goodbye" comments...never knowing that I was predestined to move into a glass house in mid-2007.

You see, out here in Colorado we have a little thing called "snow," and this past winter we had a whole heckuva lot of it. Needless to say, the 1997 Honda Accord and the 1997 Toyota Tercel, while formidable in their own ways (well...no...that's a lie), are not what you would consider "rugged" or even "snow-functional beyond 5 inches." Changes needed to be made...and so we looked into something with 4-wheel drive, that could fit more than 2 people, and didn't drive or use gas like like a front-end loader. Enter the 2002 Honda CRV (As pictured above, only dark blue).

I'll be the first to admit that I'm now well through my dinner-sized helping of crow. We really like the car; it handles well, gets decent mileage, and is comfortable. But as we prepare to put our two-door Tercel up on Craig's list, I can't help but sigh a bit that we're selling our dependable, gas-sipping, bandbox of a car for a Yuppie Chariot. And so, as an attempt to justify myself, I give you two short lists:

Top 5 Cars That Would Destroy My Soul/Will To Live

5. The Urban Pickup
One of my new favorites here in Colorado. We have a guy on our street with a Chevy that could flatten our house...dual "Dooley" back tires on the back, massive clearance, dual exhaust, and a cab that must require a smaller car to get up into. I would place it's origin somewhere in the late 90's...and there's not a scratch on the thing. It is always perfectly washed, even has mud flaps for that oh-so-muddy trip over to Hays Market. Meanwhile, the real farmers and ranchers around here are trying to find two pennies to rub together as they struggle to keep the 1984 Silverado going.

4. The PT Cruiser
Let's call it what it is: A minivan rolled in a mid-life crisis that is really nothing but a hatchback with bad aerodynamics. In other words, the new Gremlin.

3. The Minivan
I know, I know...I have a friend who just bought one, other friends who have owned them forever...and, yes, I know, they have V-8s with some pick-up. Yes, I know that some of them have DVD players. Yes, I am quite aware that they are exceedingly functional for large families. But the fact remains: It's a minivan. You don't get to watch the DVDs as you drive....and, at the end of the day, V8 or not, you are driving a small bus.

2. The "Extended" SUV
I get the logic here. I don't want to be un-cool in a minivan, so I'll buy a 4-wheel drive minivan. The problem is that these things are high-clearance, barely-converted tractor trailers that crush anything in their path. When I'm driving around in the Tercel, and I see a Yukon or Expedition merging without looking, I see my life flash before my eyes. These things are impossibly huge...and getting larger. Plus, after looking at some mileage reports while Julie and I were looking for a car, well, geeze. Instead of a little "Unleaded Fuel Only" sticker on the gauge, they should have a government warning label that reads: "You...yeah, I'm talkin' to you...you are why we are dependent on foreign oil. Thanks for that."

1. The Hummer
The unholy spawn of all of the above. Take three parts "status-mobile," four parts "I'm a real man...really," two parts "I want to run over anything that gets in my way," nine parts "hey, it's not a minivan," two parts "gas is like my line of credit, right...it won't ever run out," and there you have it. The ultimate driving machine.

So what, you might ask, would I get if my family rendered the CRV insufficient? Two words: Station. Wagon. Yeah, you heard me. Let me throw another couple at you: Wood. Panelling. There is a family in our church with three kids that has a Chevy Caprice Classic wagon with wood panelling...it even has the extra backwards-facing seat for extra family bonding/nausea. Spectacular.

Now...so not to end on an overly-critical note:

The 4 Greatest Cars I Have "Owned" or Driven Extensively

4. The Red 1997 Honda Accord (a.k.a. "The Old Kentucky Shark")
Still in active service, this car is most notable for it's Cal Ripken like ability to keep going out there every day. Has weathered five-plus moves, a handful of baseball trips, daily commutes in KC and here in CO, and me nearly ripping the front bumper off on a parking island. Is starting to show some signs of old age (it "wheezes" if you idle with the AC on), but is still punching the clock every day.

3. The mid-to-late 80's White Pontiac Bonneville (a.k.a. "The White Beast")
A warrior-poet of a car. Passed down from my sister, the Bonneville initially functioned as one of the first cars I drove after getting my license and later served a tour of duty as my school car. I never had a problem with it (which, for a Pontiac, is nothing less than an act of God). The car served our family well...and was given away at or near 200,000 miles (again...divine intervention for a Pontiac). It continued to drive, somewhere down in Louisiana, for a while. I like to imagine that it is still going...pushing 500,000 miles...saving orphaned children as it drove through the eye of Katrina and pulling "one-armed-Jessies" into the new millennium. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if it is.

2. The Gray 1989 Oldsmobile '98 Touring Sedan (a.k.a. "The Enterprise")
My first car. An unfittingly posh automobile for a Sophomore in college, the Olds featured leather seats, cigarette lighters for every passenger, a strange/cool center shifter, and an iron will. It was an "old-man car" forced into the role of college car. The Olds made it through three unobservant backing incidents, multiple brake reconstructions, and once drove from Kansas to Nebraska with a massive deer-inflicted dent down its left side, inspiring awe from all who drove by. An excellent road-trip car with a primo engine...I drove it hard, and died hard. It met its end, suddenly and violently, via a timing chain in a Target parking lot in Olathe.

1. The Blue Pickup
Recently promoted to "Iconic" in my mind's eye. The seminal mowing vehicle of our family's vast yard maintenance empire. A manual-transmission, wood-bed, rust-damaged, powerhouse of a truck that provided years of enjoyment, even in the midst of work. Once took a full-on blow from a Chevy Citation without giving an inch. Powerful engine was more than able to throw Marcy out the back while she was dumping grass. Whether completely covered in Little Debbie wrappers or destroying the Andersons' mailbox thanks to over-zealous ice-driving, the Blue Truck took on all comers. "What you did was so amazing," indeed. Dad sold the Blue Truck for a runner-up on this list (The Brown Chevy Scottsdale), but it will never be replaced.

And so I place the CRV somewhere between these two lists...a needed compromise that sticks my toe into the chilly waters of the yuppie/grown-up pool. I'm optimistic, though, because above all else what makes a car great are the stories...and I know there are more of those to come.